Social etiquette trainer’s guide to making small talk less awkward
- Esther Lee, founder of Modern Etiquette Institute in Hong Kong, gives advice for chatting in a lift or being stuck in a room with your boss
Making conversation with people you don’t know well can be a stressful challenge. Photo: ShutterstockWhen you are strolling through the mall or making your way through your school hallways, it can be daunting to meet an acquaintance and have to make small talk. It might feel awkward – but it is inevitable.
We invited Esther Lee, the founder of Modern Etiquette Institute in Hong Kong and a Certified International Social Etiquette Trainer, to guide you through a few occasions where small talk may be needed.
“People tend to get nervous because they think they are not good speakers and that they are not good at thinking of topics – usually introverts have the issue of thinking too much,” Lee noted.
The trainer emphasised that small talk could be a meaningful way of building relationships – in addition to being a skill set needed in school and the workplace.
When to initiate small talk
According to Lee, you should always initiate small talk when there is someone new in a group, like a new classmate or colleague. This is because they might be nervous and would appreciate someone who starts a conversation first.
“They will feel welcome and invited if you approach them,” Lee added.
She also noted that small talk could lift the mood when there is tension in a group.
If you run into an acquaintance in the lift or are stuck in a room with a teacher or supervisor, you will need to find a polite way to make conversation while being careful to not take up too much of their time.
However, during formal and serious situations, like when waiting for exam results or during a funeral, small talk may not be necessary.
“You should also avoid small talk when the other person seems serious about something,” Lee said.
Four rules of small talk
Lee explained four basic rules for small talk.
“The first [rule] is to give them a warm welcome,” she said. The etiquette trainer encouraged asking open-ended questions when initiating small talk.
The second rule is to be observant by spotting easy conversation starters: for example, see if the other person is wearing something interesting that you can comment on. Other conversation starters can include the weather, travel, restaurants or sports.
Lee’s third rule is “having a positive tone”. “If there is nothing specific you observed about the other person to bring out, perhaps comment on the occasion positively,” she said. For example, you can compliment the surroundings, like paintings or music in the background.
The last rule is to have a good exit. Lee noted that small talk should not drag on and that you should end the discussion if the other person looks busy.
Wrap up a conversation on a positive note and leave a good impression. Here are some examples of what you can say: “This was a good conversation” or “Let’s chat again soon.”
“You can tell them you want to get in touch with them or keep their contact,” Lee noted.
You should also end the chat if the other person’s body language shows that they are uncomfortable. “For example, if their fingers are tensed or wrapping up ... then they may not want to continue the conversation,” Lee said.
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Read the room
Take different approaches depending on the context of the conversation.
Imagine this: the lift door is about to close, and someone you know steps in. How should you strike up a conversation?
Because of the time limit, Lee suggested asking “short” and “lighthearted” questions that would not require much elaboration. Some examples include “How was your weekend?” or “Are you catching the bus downstairs?”
Sometimes, we meet new people through mutual friends; however, when we are left alone, it may be awkward.
“This is similar to the elevator pitch as you don’t know that person very well,” Lee noted. “Introduce yourself a little bit instead of asking questions directly.”
She added that talking about yourself first could help the other person feel more comfortable.
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If you are waiting for the bus and run into someone you know, how should you begin a quick exchange without sounding too forced?
“Bumping into someone in a line can be quite awkward,” Lee noted, but she advised commenting on something universal, such as the heat.
If you are stuck in a room with your teacher, boss or mentor, you do not want to seem impolite but also should leave a good impression. Lee suggested discussing current events or even asking them about topics within their expertise. However, be observant in case they are occupied with something else.
“So don’t ask too many questions – perhaps one or two,” Lee added.
She noted that you should always be respectful of personal space during short conversations: “Open your windows while still respecting your own and other’s boundaries.”
If you know you will be in a situation that requires small talk, find ways to relax beforehand, for example by listening to music.
“No one is born to be good at small talk, or a good speaker,” Lee said. “So always be open to practising, enjoy the conversation, and be ready to make mistakes – you can always laugh it off!”